Category: Midnight Stoner Adventure


Great Stoner Debate Series Prelude:
Should Sara-Beth know Billy is cheating?/ Where is North Korea?

 “So where’s Mark?” asked Krystian as he settled down on the couch. Krystain wasn’t as slim as Ryan, due to his athletically toned build, but his hair was just as long and straight as Billy’s. Well, with the exception it’s tied into dread locks. He licked the paper to roll the joint.

“Billy pissed him off,” Ryan said as he sat on the other side of the couch.

“Billy pisses everyone off,” Krystain cackled. “You smoked his whole stash, didn’t you?”

Billy shook his head, “Knocked up his girlfriend.”

Krystain looked up, “Mark has a girlfriend? Funny, thought he was a fruit.”

“You knew he had a girlfriend. She drove him to your house to get his stash,” Ryan replied.

“I thought that was his sister.”

Continue reading

 Prelude/Debate:
Where should we buy from?/Is Pluto a planet?

Midnight. It’s the classic time of superstitions, legends and traditions. Kiss your lover at midnight, you stay together; the barrier between the spiritual world and ours is thin at the stroke of midnight; the wolves howl at midnight. But what is the scariest thing at midnight? Not having a dealer! For Billy and Ryan, that’s the exact problem they have at this midnight hour.
 Billy sat in the rocking chair of Ryan’s living room. The circular fan scanned the room, at times grazing the big man. He shook his head with a frown on his face. His fingers drummed on the armrest with fiery impatience.

 “Come on dude. Call someone.”

 “Mark always played the middle man and you went and pissed him off.”

 Ryan was pacing in front of him, the TV was off and to Billy it was the only form of entertainment at the moment. Billy rolled his eyes, “Ashley came on to me.”

 Ryan stopped in midstride. “It’s still your bro’s girl. Well not anymore. He hates you and she dumped him.”

 “Don’t act all high and mighty, Ryan. You fucked her too.”

 “That was after she dumped Mark.”

 Billy’s jaw dropped. “You fucked a preggo? You lucky duck.”

 Ryan smirked and just shrugged.

 “So you can’t just call Mark?” Billy pleaded.

 “No.”

 “How about your sister?”

 “How about you call YOUR sister?”

 “I don’t like my sister.”

 “I don’t like your sister either.”

 Billy tilted his head and winced. “I need to get stoned. My head still hurts.”

 “I think we should have taken you to the hospital. I think you have a concussion and being as stupid as you are—“

 “I know who we can call,” Billy interrupted.

 “Who?”

 “Krystian.”

 “Hell no.”

 “He’ll get us something,” Billy beamed.

 “Billy, he stole an ostrich. I am not buying from a guy who gets THAT high.”

 “When he steal an ostrich?”

 “You don’t remember? He had it in his backyard for a week. Then it escaped.”

 “Oh right… that thing fucking head-butt me.”

 “You punched it in the face!”

 “I… did I?” Billy leaned back and pondered (hard to think, huh?).

 “I’m not calling him,” Ryan repeated. “I just want to get high and relax. He’ll get us something that’ll put you in a coma, make your science test sprout legs; birds follow you in the bathroom or think you found the 9th planet in your backyard.”

 “10th.”

 “What?”

 “You said 9th planet. There are 9 planets in our solar system. Planet X is the 10th and we don’t know where or what it is.”

 “Pluto isn’t a planet anymore.”

 “Yes he is.”

 “No he, I mean it, isn’t.”

 “Now you’re just being rude. Mickey’s dog is the namesake of the 9th and last known planet.”

 “Where have you been? Pluto hasn’t been—wait, it wasn’t named after Mickey Mouse’s dog!”

 “Uh-huh. Pluto! Name another dog named Pluto.  I dare you.”

 “It wasn’t a dog.”

 “Therefor it’s named after Mickey’s doggie,” Billy smiled widely. “Now call Krystian. I forgot his number.”

 “Fine, but you’re paying him,” Ryan picked up the phone. “This goes against my better judgment.”

 “Ashley said the same thing.”

 Ryan paused. “You didn’t sleep with my girlfriend, did you?”

 “You have a girlfriend again? What happened to Lizzie?”

 “Lizzie is my girlfriend!”

 “I thought Betty was.”

 “Who’s Betty?”

 Billy shrugged, “That is what I been thinking.”

 Ryan thought for a second. “You mean Sara-Beth? Long black hair, nice ass, stripper at Diamond Dolls and huge daddy issues?”

 Billy nodded, “Yeah that’s the one.”

 “Dude, that’s your girlfriend.”

 Billy’s jaw dropped. “So that’s why she’s been calling me.”

 Ryan hung his head. His phone rang in his hand and made him jerk back. He quickly answered it, so his mother wouldn’t wake up. “Hello?”

 “Ryan the Stallion!” yelled a familiar, yet haunting voice. “You want what I got?”

 Ryan extended the phone to Billy. “You talk to Krystian.”

Chapter Four:
IHOP

 

 The cool air conditioning filled the restaurant, creating a fog on the glass every time the door opened. It was a hot and humid night and Serenity was glad that her first shift at IHOP was filed with easy (and sometimes stoned) customers and cool air.
 One of her tables was the stoned crowd. Billy, Ryan, Mark and Jen ate from the appetizer sampler, awaiting their midnight dinner. Or would it be breakfast to them on the count it’s nearly one in the morning?
 “You never answered the question Jen,” Ryan insisted. “If you could have any superpower what would it be and who would be your nemesis?”
 Jen leaned back and thought with a smirk, “I’d turn invisible so I can spy on people. As for a nemesis I’d pick Lex Luthor. You know he hasn’t been laid in years and would do anything,” she leaned against the table seductively, “For a woman in distress.”
 Billy’s jaw dropped as he stared at Jen’s cleavage, his half chewed cheese stick dangling from his mouth. Ryan even tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. Jen laughed and leaned back.
 “I’m sort of upset we never ran into that clown,” Mark said. “I mean with all that hype you think a dude like him would show.”
 “He’s trying to run to Cuba,” Billy said. “Why would he be hanging out? Seriously dumb-dumb.”
 “You can’t walk to Cuba,” Mark said with his eyes closed.
 Ryan looked at the table, “We need syrup.”

 Ryan turned back to the two men behind him who were engaged in a serious discussion. Ryan listened in before asking for syrup.
 “Earl, you need to get out quick. You escaped with grand expertise, now it’s time to get a move on.”
 “Binx, we’re in an IHOP nearly across town from the jail and thanks to you I’m in street clothes. There is no way people will know I’m Beepo.”
 “Not if you keep saying you are. That waitress bitch almost caught us. She knew you were a clown.”
 “No, she thought you were the clown from your stupid wrestling show.”
 “Dumb bitch thinks I’m her baby daddy. It’s why I got a vasectomy.”
 “Smart move… May I help you?”
 Ryan jerked a bit, surprised they saw him. “Hey you guys got syrup?”
 “You weren’t eavesdropping were you?” the man named Earl snarled.
 “Yeah, Binx the Clown is shooting blanks. Now about the syrup…”
 Binx gave Ryan the entire trey of syrups and his face gleamed. “Thank you clown dude!”

 Jen tilted her heads, “Those were clowns?”
 Ryan just shrugged, “Maybe. Said one of them can’t have kids.”
 Mark frowned, “Poor guy. Having kids would be a great experience.”
 “Says who?” snapped Billy, “Kids are the worst STD.”
 Jen shrugged as well, “Can’t argue there.”
 Serenity came up to the group a few minutes later, much to the joy of the group. “Everything good?”
 Billy already had his bacon and egg cheeseburger in his mouth when his eyes widen and a muffled scream was heard. “Yes Billy, it’s hot.”
 “Can I have some more Irish in my coffee?” Ryan asked.
 Serenity shook her head, “For the 10th time, Ryan, its Irish CREAM coffee.”
 “So that’s a no?”
 “You gave me a frowny face on my pancakes,” Mark frowned.
 “It’s upside down, Mark.”
 “Thank you Serenity,” Jen smiled.
 Serenity nodded and went back to the other table where the two clowns are. “I can swear I know you from somewhere.”

 Halfway through the meal and the jokes Billy was looking outside as the effects of the weed has ran its course. However, he starts to laugh hysterically. His friends stopped chewing and stared at him. “What’s up?” asked Jen.
 Billy could just point and forced back his laughter. “Biscuit… top…”
 “Biscuit top?”
 Billy shook his head. “No, no… hehe… Her top, haha…”
 “Breathe!” Mark yelled.
 Billy nodded, “That chick, haha… It looked, haha… like a can of… hehe… biscuits popped open.”
 “A can of biscuits popped open?” Ryan raised an eyebrow.
 Billy pointed to the door and his friends looked. They wanted to see what he was laughing about. Within a few moments, they saw. A tall man in a high school letterman jacket came in with a short and plump tan girl. The black halter top and tight jeans did nothing but expose the excess fat and somewhat curves. She had a smile on her face and but a distant look in her eye. The hostess walked them by to a nearby seat.

 Mark jumped up, “ASHLEY!?”
 The laughing stopped. It was Mark’s girlfriend with another guy! Ashley’s eyes widen and her jaw dropped. Caught in the act.
 Mark lunged forth grabbing her by the arms, “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in St. Augustine?”
 Ashley didn’t say anything. The jock stood up, “Watch it buddy. You never lay your hands on a woman.”
 Serenity entered the scene, “What’s going on—Ashley? Jack?”
 The jock’s eyes widen, “Whoa Serenity, I didn’t do anything.”
 Billy whispered to Jen, “My god did Serenity sleep with everyone?”
 “Why do you think she slept with him?”
 “You’re only scared of Serenity if you fucked her.”

 “What’s going on?” barked Serenity.
 “This asshole hits his pregnant girl!” the jock yelled, pointing at Mark.
 “I don’t hit… wait, pregnant!?”
 Ashley’s face flushed, “This isn’t how I wanted you to know.”
 Mark glared, “How can this happen? The pill says once a day!”
 Ashley shook her head, “What do you care it’s not yours?”
 Silence struck the restaurant. Even the two quiet clowns in the corner stopped talking. Mark made a move for the jock but Ryan grabbed him.
 Ashley stepped between them, “It’s not his either… it’s Billy’s.”
 Billy snapped his head up, his eyes wide.  Jen’s jaw dropped and every set of eyes landed on the big Billy. “Uh… Oops.”
 “This is the part where you run,” Jen whispered.
 “Then let me out.”
 “I’m not moving, I’m too shocked.”
 The last thing Billy saw was Mark leaping into the air.

Chapter Three:

Serenity

 

 “No it’s that way!” barked Ryan, pointing behind him.

 “No man, IHOP is down there!” Mark retorted, pointing in the opposite direction.

 Billy and Jen were sitting on the curb in front of the convenient store, with Sean while Mark and Ryan argue on the location of IHOP. Jen took a drag from her cigarette and passed it to Sean. She had removed her hoodie and left it behind the counter in the store, revealing her dry auburn hair and her just above slender body. Sean took another drag before passing it back to Jen. Billy was lying down, staring at the lights, thinking they were bright stars. His excess fat bulged out of his shirt, but he laid unnoticed to it.

 Sean coughed and continued their own conversation. “You do know why the clown did that shit to the kids, right?”

 “Clowns are funny,” Billy protested, “And very nice. They give you free pies.”

 “You got a point there,” Jen nodded. “Go on Sean. What is your theory?”

 “Not a theory. They have proof,” Sean rebutted.

 “No it’s down the street of where Whataburger used to be!” Mark yelled.

 “No, it’s down by Piggly Wiggly,” Ryan snapped, “I took Ashley on a date there.”

 “You did what!” Mark was enraged.

 “It was before she even met you!”

 Billy smiled from the ground, “I like it when Ashley sits on my lap.”

 “Excuse me?” Jen raised an eyebrow.

 “She calls me her Billy bear.”

 A silence hung over the three in front of the store. The duo argued in the empty parking lot, while no cars passed on the street.

 Sean ventured, “You ever heard of Aleister Crowley?”

 Jen shook her head. Billy turned, “The wickedest man in the world? Called himself as the Great Beast from the Book of Revelation and was the founder of modern Satanism?”

 Ryan stopped arguing with Mark for a second and turned to the trio. “Did Billy say something relevant?”

 “Uh… I think so.” Jen replied. “Sean, what does an evil dude got to do with the clown?”

 “I like to feed peanuts to clowns,” Billy grinned.

 “You feed peanuts to—Sean,” Jen repeated.

 “The police found a copy of Crowley’s The Book of The Law in his house. They believe that the clown was trying to sacrifice a sinless soul of a child like Crowley suggests as the perfect sacrifice.”

 “Which is deeply flawed,” Billy retorted without looking at anyone, “Child sacrifice was specifically for the cults of Moloch of the ancient civilizations. Crowley created a religion based on his drug hallucinations during his trip in Egypt. Never once mentioned Moloch or any of his monikers, and never said who the child was to be sacrificed to. Crowley was just an upset youth who grew up in an oppressive, Christian home and wanted to piss off God. Those were his exact words. The supposed appearance of Gabriel to the Muslim Man has more merit than Crowley.”

 Jen and Sean just blinked. Ryan and Mark looked at each other. A silence returned to the parking lot.

 “Alright, let’s go,” Mark insisted.

 “But it’s THIS way.”

 “No you burnout, it’s THAT way!”

 “Burnout? You were the one who got the weed.”

 “You are the one who doesn’t know where the nearest IHOP is.”

 “Nearsest? I wanted the good IHOP.”

 “The nearest is closer.”

 “What are they arguing about?” asked a new voice. Emerging from the trailer park behind the store came a young woman, overweight and pimpled face.

 “Hey Serenity,” Jen greeted. “They are arguing about which IHOP to go to.”

 “They should go to mine,” Serenity said, twirling to show that she was in an IHOP uniform. “My first shift starts in about 30 minutes.”

 “You walking?” Sean asked.

 Serenity simply nodded.

 “Man, someone is going to get killed by that clown.”

 “What clown?”

 “You didn’t hear about the clown that escaped from 49th Street?”

 “Only clown I know of is my baby daddy from NLW.”

 “From where?” Jen asked. “Wait, you finally found out who the daddy is?”

 “God I hope so. I counted the weeks and it was about the time I fucked him. You never forget a guy who tries to make balloon animals out of your tits.”

 “I could have gone the rest of the night without hearing that,” Billy whined.

 “Is that Billy? Did Ryan knock his ass out again?”

 “No, he just got tired of standing while those two argue where they are going.”

 Serenity shook her head, “And you say there is a killer on the loose?”

 Sean nods, “We think he’s satanic. Found a book by Aleister Crowley at his house and the body of a child buried under a tree in his backyard.”

 “And clowns are so peaceful,” Billy said.

 “Bullshit, that clown from NLW is an asshole,” Serenity snapped. “Keeps ducking me for child support. Why can’t men be real and not about games?”

 “Why do girls got to keep their legs open to everyone but me?” Billy responded.

 “You still trying to get in Jen’s pants, Billy? You’ve been at it for five years, it ain’t going to happen,” Serenity stated.

 Before Billy could respond, Serenity walked over the arguing duo. A smack was heard as she smacked both their heads, “You’re following me to IHOP!”

 Billy groaned, “That means I have to get up.”

 “Yes it does. Come on Billy, maybe if you lose weight someone other than me will listen to you bitch about not getting laid.”

 Chapter Two:
Jen

 A shiver ran down her spine. No one was able to explain it but the store always got colder exacly when the clock clicked at midnight. Even under her heavy sweater and uniform Jen shivered. At midnight on the dot the entire atmosphere turned cold, and then a few second later it quickly warmed back to the normal room temperature. The moment of cold discomfort dispersed and Jen was able to take her sweater off.

 “Hurry up, Sean. I want to go home,” she whispered to herself. The night was still and so was the convenient store. It was a dog day midnight.

 With hope she turned to the glass doors as the bell rang to alert her someone was entering. Instead of her co-worker it was three men; one in a white wife beater and baggy jeans, one fat one in a trench coat and boots and the skinny one was in Trip pants and a camo shirt. She smirked, knowing these three will be fun to watch.

 “Hello boys,” she greeted.

 The larger one, Billy, slumped over the counter smiling at her in only the goofy giant could. “Well, well, well.”

 She could hear Ryan groan, “Not this again. You’ve been rehearsing that tired line since we left my house. Can’t you wait until you get it right?”

 “I got this!”

 Jen chuckled, “What you got, Billy?”

 “Uh…” Figures, throw him off his game by just asking a question.

 Mark walked up, “Billy, aren’t we going to IHOP? Why are we in here?”

 “Hey you’re right, we are going to IHOP,” Billy now recalled. “Hey Jen want to go to IHOP?”

 Jen’s stomach growled, “I’m hungry all of the sudden.”

 “Well, well, well,” Billy started up again. He took a step back away from the counter as if he was going to make a State of the Union address. ”It is I, the lyrical miracle, the sexual intellectual—“

 “What sex?” Ryan laughed.

 “Shut up.” Billy growled, “The sexual intellectual, the quintessential human muff stuffer.”

 “You mean stud muffin?” Mark raised an eyebrow.

 “That’s what I said.”

 “No you didn’t,” Jen said, holding back laughter.

 “Can’t I be both?”

 “Depends on which muff your trying to stuff,” Mark flatly said.

 “I’m buff, I’m tough and I want to stuff your muff,” Billy beamed at Jen.

 “Knew something like this would happen,” Ryan shook his head.

 “You did? Wish you should have told me, I didn’t see this coming,” Mark replied.

 “You better be good,” Jen teased.

 Billy’s eyes widen and his face was left dumbfounded. His friends laughed at Billy’s sudden shyness. A new person was now in the store, wearing a uniform. Sean has sneaked in while the whole thing was happening and shook his head.

 His deep voice boomed, “Quiet funny.”

 “About time,” Jen hissed. “I’ve been waiting to get off.”

 “Shit all you had to do was ask,” Billy snapped out of his stillness.

 “Not that kind of off,” Ryan whispered. “Can we go? I’m getting the munchies like a motherfucker with all these snacks around!”

 “Whoa, there is snacks,” Billy looked around.

 “I could of sworn you graduated high school,” Mark shook his head. “Let’s go.”

 “Wait you’re walking to IHOP?” Sean’s deep voice rang.

 “Yeah, no car, dude.”

 “You don’t know about the escaped clown?”

 “And you don’t know about the muffin man?”

 “Billy shut up,” Jen snapped. “What’s going on?”

 “Beepo the Clown, the child molester and serial killer. He escaped the 49th Street jail like an hour ago.”

 “Ah shit that ain’t far,” Mark groaned.

 “Fuck it I got my switchblade. Let’s go I’m starving and I don’t want to lose my buzz!”

   The sweet smell of vanilla filled the bedroom as the incense burned. Three young men were occupying the room. The larger man, with shoulder length blonde hair, closed and locked the door behind him. He turned too quickly as his steel toe boot accidently hit the light blue colored wall. The other two were quick to wave their hands in downward motion. All three strained their ears to listen and were met by deafening silence with muffled snores from the next room. A sigh of relief was unanimous.

 “Keep it down, you lummox,” whispered the thin one with shaggy black hair.

 “You shouldn’t be so scared of your mom, Ryan,” chuckled the third man in a fishing chair. He had short hair, but with just a white undershirt, his tattoos that resemble an acid trip were on display.

 “Damn that shit smells good,” sniffed Billy, the larger one.

 “Shouldn’t you of waited until AFTER we lit up?” asked Ryan as he plopped down on his futon bed.

 “Don’t matter. Your mom ain’t gonna wake up by the smell of weed,” Mark remarked.

 “It smells good,” repeated Billy as he sat down on the green bean bag chair. “So, why ain’t we outside like we normally do?”

 “Great grammar, there William Shakespeare,” grinned Ryan. The irony was lost on the large man as he tilted his head.

 Mark replied, “It’s hot as all hell. Least in here we won’t die from heat stroke,”

 So the three sat in silence for the following few moments. Ryan laid on his futon, silently texting; Billy watched the ceiling fan slowly turn and Mark was plucking the seeds out of the green hemp.

 The light, subtle sound of a click rose in the room and the paper became lit. Billy and Ryan leaned inward as Mark took the first hit off the fresh joint. After his second puff he passed it to Ryan who inhaled quickly and his posture loosen to a more relaxed state. Billy’s fingers drum on his boots as he waited for his turn. He inhaled the exhaled smoke with anticipation.  Mark leaned back with sadness written on his face.

 Ryan took a puff and then passed it to Billy as he looked at Mark, “You okay, bro?”

 “Not really. I miss Ashley,”

 “God not this again,” groaned Ryan. “For the last time she’ll be back by Monday. She’s only in St. Augustine,” Ryan then looked at Billy, who took well passed two hits, “Dude, don’t be like my sister. Pass it,”

 Billy growled and passed it to Mark. Billy leaned back, “Wasn’t St. Augustine like a dude’s nephew?”

 Ryan just blinked, “You couldn’t say a more generic term?”

 “No, like an important dude’s nephew… Like, uh… the guy who’s on the salads,”

 Mark laughed, with smoke escaping his mouth as he passed it to Ryan, “How would you know anything about salads, Billy? All I ever see you eat is chips and wings,”

 “Not true. I get pancakes at IHOP,”

 Ryan gagged on the smoke and coughed up the smoke, “Yeah and you fucking stink up the entire house. It’s like a gas chamber,”

 “No pun intended,” laughed Billy.

 “Damn Billy, is nothing sacred? My grandfather was Jewish,” snapped Mark.

 “Really?” asked Ryan, surprised.

 Ryan shrugged, “Or was a Nazi. Something about Germany,”

 Ryan passed the joint to Mark, ignoring Billy as the large man was looking at the ceiling fan. “Who would win, Superman or Batman?”

 “I think we had this discussion before,” Ryan thought out loud. “But there were more of us…”

 “Yeah, Ashley said something smart too,” said Mark, pouting. He lifted his lighter and lit the joint. Billy went to reach for it but Mark simply replied with a flick of the lighter to ward off Billy’s big hand. “I think Batman wins simply by saying he has that green stuff. Like with Billy and fire,”

 “Fire sucks,” muttered Billy.

 Ryan took the joint and inhaled. “Then we need a new subject. How about—“

 “—What superpower would you have?” interrupted Billy. A second later, before either of his friends could react, “And who would your super villain be?”

 Both his friends blinked and looked at each other. “Putting that way makes it hard,” Ryan admitted. “Who would be my rival?”

 Mark sat back, and Ryan leaned back. Billy took a long lighter and lit the joint again and continued puffing.

 “I’d take the Flash speed with that one bald dude as a villain. You know, the fat guy. That way I can out run him,” shrugged Ryan. “I’m already fast. And I can outrun Billy. So I’m already there,”

 “Someone should write a comic book about us. Or some kind of cool web series that you can exclusively read on certain sites,” grinned Mark. “I’d be like Wolverine with the claws and old age,”

 Billy shook his hands, “Ow! Those claw things would hurt like a motherfucker,”

 “Yeah, that would hurt,” nodded Mark. “I don’t know a villain I’d fuck with though. I’ll have Ashley as my sidekick!”

 “Of course you would,” Ryan rolled his eyes.

 The joint slowly became a roach as the minutes passed. The air was thick with the calming scent of weed and the sweet scent of vanilla. Billy watched the ceiling fan through red eyes, “When did you get a ceiling fan, Ryan?”

 “What are you talking about, fat boy? I always had a ceiling fan,” Ryan found himself looking up at it. “I don’t remember turning it on. Did you turn it on?”

 “I shut the door,” Billy explained, “Did you turn it on, Mark?”

 “I don’t remember sexually arousing anyone,”

 “No…” Billy trailed off with his hand pointing up.

 “Dudes, we need to get to IHOP,” Mark rubbed his stomach.

 “Why?” Ryan asked with his eyebrow raised.

 “Because I’m hungry and it’s the only thing open. Besides the 7-K,”

 “7-K? You mean the Circle 11,” Billy laughed.

 “I am getting pretty hungry,” Ryan agreed.

 “Pancakes dose sound good,” Mark licked his lips.

 “I’m so hungry I can eat the Hop,” Billy grinned.

 His two friends met his sarcasm with confusion. The three slowly got up, the roach seemingly has vanished. Billy reached for the doorknob but couldn’t open the door. It was still locked. Billy’s eyes widen and looked back, frightened. Ryan leaned in and unlocked it and Billy opened it with a smile.

 “Told you I had mental powers,”

 Ryan went to say something but Mark placed his hand on his shoulder and shook his head.

 “Let’s just get some food. You can’t argue with an idiot on an empty stomach.”